A Bully in the Pre-School Class

 I blogged a while back about how we were having Little J evaluated through our local school district. I never really went into what the results of that evaluation were (other than that he was fine developmentally).

During the team meeting where everyone involved (except Little J) was present, it came up that Little J's preschool teacher(s) were less concerned about an attention problem and more concerned about excessive anxiety. My jaw just about hit the floor since the only concern that had been voiced to me was an attention one.

The psychologist who was sort of spearheading the meeting saw my shock and quickly jumped in to say that the anxiety seemed to be isolated to school and really wasn't all that bad. She then proceed to share with me what she and the other team members had observed while visiting Little J at his school. He was observed four times by four different team members on four different occasions. Each one reported the same thing: Little J was being bullied by another child in his classroom. (Now to be fair, one of the observations was done when this child was absent. The team member came to the same conclusion based on Little J's answers to her questions.)

I literally felt like I had been punched in the gut.

The psychologist attributed about 75% of the "problem behaviors" that Little J was exhibiting to the bullying. She suggested immediately moving him out of the class and into another. She did not feel that the situation was likely to improve as the child in question was "just not a very nice child". I felt that might be a bit extreme and didn't want to pull Little J away from some of the very nice friends he had made in that class. I tried to look at it as an opportunity to teach Little J how to handle these types of classmates. I had figured that this would come up at some point - I was thinking more along the lines of 2nd or 3rd grade, not pre-school.

Little J had said NOTHING about what had been going on in the classroom. His teachers had said NOTHING about this other child's behavior other than that Little J "seemed preoccupied" with where this child was at all times. No kidding...he was probably trying to decide if he needed to keep his guard up.

Once I knew about this issue, I started asking Little J more specific questions about his day. It seemed that this bullying was taking a few different forms. The bully would take toys away from Little J and purposely get in his way when he was trying to ignore them. The bully also enjoyed saying things to get Little J upset. No problem, we can handle this, I figured.

We expanded on the lessons taught at his Taekwondo school - avoid the bully, ask them to stop, then, if they are still at it, tell a teacher. We focused on helping Little J learn to manage the situation. He does have a tendency to get overly upset about things which only fuels the bully. I am hoping we did not give him the wrong message by focusing on him. (I was briefly concerned that Little J might be falling into the "victim" role, but he has not had this problem with any other kids and has a great time with a variety of playmates.)

When I learned that the bullying had progressed to frequent hitting, I'd had enough. I scheduled an appointment with his teachers and shared with them what I had learned. They were reluctant to address the bully issue with the bully's parents as "that is not the school policy". Essentially, behavior problems are not shared with parents unless they are severe. (I'm not sure what would qualify as severe.) I was told that the teachers "like to encourage the kids to work out their own problems" as it is a life skill.

I am actually pretty proud of myself for not jumping across the desk and strangling the lead teacher. I've taught for eight years - BELIEVE ME... I get letting kids work out their issues. You know, when they are an appropriate age to do it. THESE KIDS ARE THREE!!! And there is HITTING involved. Should we just put them in a ring and let them duke it out??? 'Cause my money is on Little J. I expressed my displeasure with this policy as I would want to know if it was Little J bullying other children so that we could address it at home. I also expressed (nicely, I think) that this was unacceptable, and if it continued, I would be bringing it to the office's attention. When it did, I spoke to the office and arranged for Little J to be in a different class for the summer and not to be placed in the bully's class next year.

Things did seem to get better for a bit. Then, last week we started with the "I don't want to go to school" again. A few casual questions brought out that the bully was hitting and all the rest again. We reminded Little J about the "avoid, tell no, and tell an adult" techniques again. After school, I asked how things had gone and Little J reported that he had indeed been hit again. I asked if he had told the teacher. He had not. When I asked why he didn't tell, he informed me that the bully had gotten between him and the teacher and wouldn't let him pass to go tell. He was completely intimidated and dropped the issue.

All that kept going through my head was "Where the h**l are the d*mn teachers while this is going on???"

So today, I marched right back in there to have another talk with the teacher. I explained what has been going on and how he was prevented from reporting the incident. She smiled sweetly and said "thank you for letting me know", but I don't hold much hope for change. There are only two more days of school left before Little J changes class, so I guess I will just let it go. Needless to say, if there are any problems in the other class, he will attend a different school. The child in question isn't in that room, so I don't anticipate any issues.

If your child is the victim of a pre-school bully, you may feel frustrated and powerless. Especially since many private pre-schools do not want to address the parents of the bully for fear of losing "business". It is important to help your child in any way that you can. Here are some great resources:

Here is a great blog on how to deal with the issue and keep it in perspective.

Here is a great book on bullying.

 

And this is a great blog post on bullying.

 

If you are an educator, this is a great program to implement at your school.

At least I think my son gets it...

 I have to admit that I am a bit bothered by the rush into Christmas this year. It started the day after Halloween. The day after Thanksgiving used to feel a bit early to me, but I could handle it. This is ridiculous. Several local radio stations started their 24/7 Christmas music at midnight on November 1st. Seriously.

Before you call me a grinch, let me explain why this bothers me so much. It's not just the fact that you can't set foot in any of the stores because of the crowds. It's not just the constant ads for Christmas toys that are on all hours of the day and night. It's not just the fact that there are a limited number of Christmas carols, so stations that normally play top ten artists are forced to reach for the Barry Manilow Holiday Album and play it five times a day.

It's the fact that we seem to have skipped right over the two holidays that MEAN anything and jumped right from one gimme holiday to another. You know what I mean, right? We went from the "gimme candy" holiday to the "gimme presents" holiday. Apparently we as a society don't have time for the "thanks for serving our country" holiday or the "thanks for all our blessings" holiday.

Veteran's Day hardly got a mention this year other than a few sales at the local department stores. That is incredibly sad, especially in a time when we are at war. Whether you agree with the war or not, the men and women who fought and are fighting deserve our admiration and our thanks every day, but especially on Veteran's Day. My husband even pointed out a story about a few local schools who were bringing in conscientious objectors to speak to the students on Veteran's Day. Give me a break. When I arrived at one of my middle schools for an observation, I was thrilled to find an old-fashioned Veteran's Day assembly in full swing, complete with Veterans in uniform, teary-eyed teachers, and respectful students lined up to shake their hands and say thank you.

Maybe all is not lost. I went to pick up Little J from pre-school yesterday and noticed that the teachers had posted a sign of what each child had said they were thankful for. Pets, loveys, and favorite toys all had places of honor on the list. I searched the list for Little J's response and saw two words that warmed my heart: my mommy.

Seriously people, I could not make this stuff up!

 So life around here has been pretty stressful. Between waiting for the results from Little J's EEG and everything else, I admit that I have been feeling a bit stressed out. And when I get stressed out, my immune system pretty much shuts down, so I wasn't all that surprised when I came down with a killer cold that quickly turned into a sinus infection/infected tonsils/walking pneumonia/imminent death.

I felt pretty lousy for a few days and was starting to get my strength back today but still had a pretty nasty cough. I figured I'd take myself down to Fresh Market and grab a bunch of veggies and whip up a super healthy cold fighting soup! The sun was out, it was a gorgeous day, I was singing as I sliced my veggies for my soup - singing - yes, paying attention to what I was doing - not so much.

I sliced the end of my finger right off. No kidding.

There was that brief moment where I thought maybe it wasn't too bad, that I had just gotten the nail, but then I stuck it under the water in the sink, got a good look at it and almost passed out. I grabbed a dish towel and tried to calm myself down as I started dialing everyone I could think of who might be home: my mom, my friends, no one was around. I tried to get it to stop bleeding for over half an hour before I faced the inevitable - I needed to go to the ER. I called Big J at work and asked him to come home and get me.

We went to get Little J from pre-school and headed over to the ER where I was whisked into a room rather quickly. I was doing quite well until the nurse went to clean it off which is when I passed out for the first time. She revived me and then made small talk about how impressed she was that I was making soup from scratch and hadn't cut my hand on a soup can like most people. (Hey, at least I'm original in my injuries!)

The doctor came in shortly thereafter and proceeded to put something that looks like a very small chain link fence on the wound (passed out a second time - it hurt!!). He explained that I had cut down deep enough to have exposed the nerve which was why it hurt so freaking much and then proceeded to theorize with the nurse on how to ease the pain. I felt like I was on an episode of House. They finally decided to experiment on me by soaking my finger in an oral solution of lydocane (sp?) which worked wonders. They bandaged me up and sent me on my way with a prescription of vicodin as the lydocane was starting to wear off and my finger was starting to throb again.

Let me just say this, if I don't see the inside of another medical building ever again, it will be too soon! Want to come over for dinner tonight? We are having finger sandwiches, chicken fingers, and lady fingers for dessert. (Big J's joke for the evening - it's only funny 'cause I took the vicodin already.)

Eeeek - an EKG

 We successfully survived the EEG. Thank you so much for all of your support via comments and e-mails. It means a lot to have virtual strangers (although you don't feel like strangers) offer such kind and comforting words.

We started of with a bang when we drove to the wrong location for the procedure (true WI Mommy style!). We were about 100 blocks off and raced to make it to the appointment without being too late. Then we were informed that Little J was going to have to sleep during the appointment.

Ha-ha, yeah, right.

This is the child that does NOT sleep on demand, especially not somewhere other than his bed, especially NOT when he is overtired, and especially NOT with a million little wires hooked up to his head.

We however lucked out with the best technician EVER who managed to lull our little guy into a deep and apparently productive sleep. She got whatever readings she needed from him and we were allowed to wake him up after about twenty minutes or so. They also had plenty of readings from the half hour of him trying to fall asleep while we were with him and several minutes of a bright strobe light being flashed in front of his face.

All in all, not as traumatic an experience as I had thought it was going to be, but not one that I am in any hurry to repeat. My SIL had some extra soon to expire Disney Dollars from her credit card and had sent them over last week, so I hit the Disney store Sunday afternoon for some retail therapy and had some great toys to distract Little J during the gluing-on-of-the-electrodes portion of the morning. He was quite the little trooper and seemed to recover rather quickly from the whole event. I will feel better once I hear from the doctor and know for sure what the tests actually reveal.

I'm one freaked out mommy over here...

 So Wednesday morning, Little J had a strange falling/fainting episode where he turned pasty white and did a face plant on the carpet. He came to right away, and other than crying and being a little upset for a few minutes, bounced back to his normal self pretty quickly. I should also add in here that I passed out pretty regularly as a kid, which always added some entertainment value to those long Palm Sunday masses and school assemblies. No one really made that big a deal out of it other than to hand me a glass of orange juice and prop me back up.

So I (for once) remained relatively calm about the whole incident and even sent Little J off to preschool. I casually mentioned the episode to a few people who gave me horrified looks and said "You ARE going to call the doctor, right?". I started rethinking my calm position and dialed my pediatrician's nurse, Carla. Carla is great at putting things into perspective and never makes me feel stupid...even the time when we were new to solid foods and I rushed Little J into the office insisting that there was blood in his stools only to find out it was undigested tomato peel. But I digress. So when nurse Carla calmly suggested that I bring him in first thing the next morning, I started to get a little concerned.

So we spend yesterday morning at the pediatrician's office doing a very thorough exam, taking Little J's blood pressure in a variety of positions (which he thought was hysterical), and setting up appointments for a bunch of -ologists. We will be having a sleep deprived EEG on Monday morning...doesn't that sound like fun? Anything sleep deprived and a three year old has got to be a great experience.

So, basically, I am now sufficiently freaked out about the whole thing and very grateful for any prayers, positive vibes, or any good thoughts you would be so kind as to send our way!!

Thank you for riding with me on the emotional rollercoaster that is my life.

 So I got a phone call yesterday afternoon...turns out the school district was having a heck of a time tracking down ANY of the principals that I have worked for. Not only have I driven most of them out of teaching, I apparently drove a few of them out of the state as well. Interestingly enough, in eight years of teaching (at only two schools!), I had no less than five different principals and only one of them is still a principal, just at a different school.

SO once I was able to point them in the right direction to track him down, they called and offered me the position. YEAH!!!! The official title is "instructional coach". Basically I will be supervising eight or nine new teachers initial educators (I need to get with the new lingo!). It's very part time - about one morning a week - so I will still have plenty of time with Little J. After being out of education for three years, the idea of actually using my rather expensive degree again is quite appealing.

Thank you for all of your words of support and your patience with my pity posts. I guess it was meant to be.

If you don't have something sympathetic to say...

 don't say anything at all.

I am all for the belief that things happen for a reason. Really. It is rather comforting to think that there is some sort of master plan and that the painful things we go through have some sort of meaning in the end.

But that doesn't mean that you have to completely forgo the understanding pat on the arm and the sympathetic "That sucks!" that lets people know that you understand their feelings.

When I tell you bad news, I don't want to hear It wasn't meant to be or It means something better is coming along. It may be true, but I want to hear Yeah, I know you really wanted that job...they were stupid to hire someone else...their loss...and, hey, let's go egg their offices!
(Just kidding - I don't condone egging of any kind.)

To me, the casually tossed out it wasn't meant to be is equivalent to telling a grieving relative They're in a better place. Might be true, but again, I don't want to hear it. Tell me you know I'm hurting, tell me that the person will be missed, but don't try to turn it into a positive thing.

So, anyways, I never did get a call about the job one way or the other....which pretty much tells me that they hired the other person. So I shall go back to soothing myself with a vente, full sugar, full fat latte and the knowledge that it wasn't meant to be.