I blogged a while back about how we were having Little J evaluated through our local school district. I never really went into what the results of that evaluation were (other than that he was fine developmentally).
During the team meeting where everyone involved (except Little J) was present, it came up that Little J's preschool teacher(s) were less concerned about an attention problem and more concerned about excessive anxiety. My jaw just about hit the floor since the only concern that had been voiced to me was an attention one.
The psychologist who was sort of spearheading the meeting saw my shock and quickly jumped in to say that the anxiety seemed to be isolated to school and really wasn't all that bad. She then proceed to share with me what she and the other team members had observed while visiting Little J at his school. He was observed four times by four different team members on four different occasions. Each one reported the same thing: Little J was being bullied by another child in his classroom. (Now to be fair, one of the observations was done when this child was absent. The team member came to the same conclusion based on Little J's answers to her questions.)
I literally felt like I had been punched in the gut.
The psychologist attributed about 75% of the "problem behaviors" that Little J was exhibiting to the bullying. She suggested immediately moving him out of the class and into another. She did not feel that the situation was likely to improve as the child in question was "just not a very nice child". I felt that might be a bit extreme and didn't want to pull Little J away from some of the very nice friends he had made in that class. I tried to look at it as an opportunity to teach Little J how to handle these types of classmates. I had figured that this would come up at some point - I was thinking more along the lines of 2nd or 3rd grade, not pre-school.
Little J had said NOTHING about what had been going on in the classroom. His teachers had said NOTHING about this other child's behavior other than that Little J "seemed preoccupied" with where this child was at all times. No kidding...he was probably trying to decide if he needed to keep his guard up.
Once I knew about this issue, I started asking Little J more specific questions about his day. It seemed that this bullying was taking a few different forms. The bully would take toys away from Little J and purposely get in his way when he was trying to ignore them. The bully also enjoyed saying things to get Little J upset. No problem, we can handle this, I figured.
We expanded on the lessons taught at his Taekwondo school - avoid the bully, ask them to stop, then, if they are still at it, tell a teacher. We focused on helping Little J learn to manage the situation. He does have a tendency to get overly upset about things which only fuels the bully. I am hoping we did not give him the wrong message by focusing on him. (I was briefly concerned that Little J might be falling into the "victim" role, but he has not had this problem with any other kids and has a great time with a variety of playmates.)
When I learned that the bullying had progressed to frequent hitting, I'd had enough. I scheduled an appointment with his teachers and shared with them what I had learned. They were reluctant to address the bully issue with the bully's parents as "that is not the school policy". Essentially, behavior problems are not shared with parents unless they are severe. (I'm not sure what would qualify as severe.) I was told that the teachers "like to encourage the kids to work out their own problems" as it is a life skill.
I am actually pretty proud of myself for not jumping across the desk and strangling the lead teacher. I've taught for eight years - BELIEVE ME... I get letting kids work out their issues. You know, when they are an appropriate age to do it. THESE KIDS ARE THREE!!! And there is HITTING involved. Should we just put them in a ring and let them duke it out??? 'Cause my money is on Little J. I expressed my displeasure with this policy as I would want to know if it was Little J bullying other children so that we could address it at home. I also expressed (nicely, I think) that this was unacceptable, and if it continued, I would be bringing it to the office's attention. When it did, I spoke to the office and arranged for Little J to be in a different class for the summer and not to be placed in the bully's class next year.
Things did seem to get better for a bit. Then, last week we started with the "I don't want to go to school" again. A few casual questions brought out that the bully was hitting and all the rest again. We reminded Little J about the "avoid, tell no, and tell an adult" techniques again. After school, I asked how things had gone and Little J reported that he had indeed been hit again. I asked if he had told the teacher. He had not. When I asked why he didn't tell, he informed me that the bully had gotten between him and the teacher and wouldn't let him pass to go tell. He was completely intimidated and dropped the issue.
All that kept going through my head was "Where the h**l are the d*mn teachers while this is going on???"
So today, I marched right back in there to have another talk with the teacher. I explained what has been going on and how he was prevented from reporting the incident. She smiled sweetly and said "thank you for letting me know", but I don't hold much hope for change. There are only two more days of school left before Little J changes class, so I guess I will just let it go. Needless to say, if there are any problems in the other class, he will attend a different school. The child in question isn't in that room, so I don't anticipate any issues.
If your child is the victim of a pre-school bully, you may feel frustrated and powerless. Especially since many private pre-schools do not want to address the parents of the bully for fear of losing "business". It is important to help your child in any way that you can. Here are some great resources:
Here is a great blog on how to deal with the issue and keep it in perspective.
Here is a great book on bullying.
And this is a great blog post on bullying.
If you are an educator, this is a great program to implement at your school.
